What a crazy year it has been. So many roads that I have taken... so many new paths that I have ventured down. As I have described it before... this past year has been
THE craziest,
most randomly amazingly,
wonderfully scary year of my life. I seriously feel like I learned so much about myself this past year... but, at the same time... I was amazingly lost and hidden from so much of what I truly hold dear and treasure the most in my life.
As the days pass by, I feel as though I am waking up more and more from what seems like a ridiculously amazing and yet, at the same time, ridiculously ridiculous (kind of redundant... I know...) dream. A dream, that at times, felt like a night mare. 2009 brought changes that I had dreamt about for years... changes, that out of fear, I thought I would never be brave enough to make. 2009 also introduced a bit of chaos into my life. 2009 was basically a dream to me. Oh, don't get me wrong, I KNOW it happened. The good, the bad... the moments and people that truly made my heart sing... the moments and people that brought tears to my eyes... and even more, the people that I hurt.
One thing that I discovered about myself this past year... this journey that I took... this journey that my soul NEEDED... I needed to do it alone. Much of 2009 was spent at a distance from some of the people that I truly love and respect the most. And, as I look back, I am torn about how I truly feel about that. God, that doesn't sound good... does it? Ok, let me try to explain.
I started 2009 off a single woman. I had not been single in over 8 years. But, this time... it wasn't just me. I started 2009 off as a single mom. I had been, over the past 4 years, blessed by God with 2 amazingly beautiful daughters... ♥Ashleigh and Melanie♥. These 2 little girls had not only been inspiration for so much creativity in my life, but they had also given me the strength to make some really hard choices.
I ran full speed ahead into a world that I had never really been in. A world, where the choices were up to me. A world, where I felt I was finally able to open my mouth and let MY words come out... words that I felt deep down... words that truly expressed what I felt, what I wanted, what I needed. A world, that in all honesty, I knew nothing about. I could breathe for the first time in years. I could open my eyes and see more than darkness closing in. I could open my eyes and see the world for what I wanted it to be... for what I dreamt it could be... not for what I was told it already was.
I ran and I ran and I ran... and when I was done, I ran more. I ran in, what seems like, every direction there possibly was. If there was a road ahead of me, no matter what the sky above it looked like, if I wanted to travel it, I did. Why? Because I could. Because it was what I wanted to do.
I was free. I was like a bird. Soaring high in the sky. High above the flowers. High above the trees. High above the clouds. Higher (in a non drug related way, lol) than I had ever been. It felt amazing. Flying high with my eyes closed, wind in my hair.... feeling everything going on around me. But, what happens when you let yourself fly that high with your eyes closed? When you fly so high that you are above the clouds? When your that high, and you don't take a chance to slow down and open your eyes.... even to just take a quick glance... what happens? Well, when you are that high above the clouds... you end up missing the rain. Your too high to feel it... your eyes are closed too tight to see it.... and the wind is too loud to hear it. And, in life, I have discovered, it is really important to feel the rain from time to time.
So, for about a year, I was rainless. I was flying so high (again, don't get confused... NOT drug related)... focusing SO much on taking in everything that was going on around me, that I didn't take time to really look within myself to see what was going on inside me. And, my friends, there is a huge difference.
I made a lot of choices last year, that looking back, were definitely not the smartest or the healthiest. I made a lot of choices last year, that looking back I think to myself, "why did it take you sooooo long to wake up Jessica?!?!?" But, to be honest... other than a few things, I wouldn't change most of them. And, I know.... CRAZY!!! I KNOW that is what some of my closest friends are thinking.
Everything that I did last year, every experience, every person, every moment of last year taught me something. And for the most part, I wouldn't change any of it. Everything that I experienced last year has helped me to open my eyes once again. To really be able to see all the beauty and love that I have right in front of me. Every person, has in one way or another, has had some sort of impact on my life. And yes, that includes EVERY ass-hole that I meet last year, every loser that brought tears to my eyes, especially the ones who either did it on purpose, or just didn't give a damn. YOU and your kind, have really helped me to be able to see what NOT to look for in life. The more you see of something, the easier it becomes to recognize it when it is trying to disguise itself. So, I would like to take a moment to thank every loser "man" out there who has ever hurt a girl on purpose.... every loser guy who honestly just didn't give damn... thank you for helping me become more familiar with your kind. Look forward to hearing about you getting whats coming to you :-)
But, in all seriousness... there are very few things about last year that I would change. And, that brings me back to what I was originally saying...
"One thing that I discovered about myself this past year... this journey that I took... this journey that my soul NEEDED... I needed to do it alone. Much of 2009 was spent at a distance from some of the people that I truly love and respect the most. And, as I look back, I am torn about how I truly feel about that."
There were SO many things that I feel that I TRULY needed to experience for myself... by myself... that, despite how much I truly missed so many of those people who are so dear in my heart, I honestly do NOT think that I would be sitting here like this today. I needed to be as free from judgment, as free from ridicule, as free from feeling that I was being a disappointment for whatever decisions I was making at that moment time... and, honestly, there were a select number of women in my life, who over the past few years, had really grown close in my heart. Who really touched me. These women became, not just my friends, but I look at some of these women as my sisters, and, I look at one in particular as a mother. I had shared so many secrets about the pain in my heart, so many secrets about the quite tears that I cried at night... but, I didn't share even close to what was really there. And, when I finally broke myself free of the chains that I had been shackled up in for so long, I ran. And then I ran. And then I ran some more. I ran so fast and for so long... and that's when I started to fly. I was flying so high that, for one thing, I couldn't slow down. But, honestly, if I had slowed down... I would have just started running again.
Despite all of that, I am so sorry to anyone that I may have hurt over the past year. My intentions were NEVER to hurt anyone. Far from it... and these women, and you know who you are, would be some of the last people in the world that I would ever want to hurt. I love you all and will always be so blessed by your words and prayers over the years.
It has only been within the past few weeks that I feel as though I have finally stopped flying and landed with 2 feet on the ground. Don't get me wrong... I had been trying, despite what it may have looked like from the outside, to land for a long time now. But, it wasn't until a few weeks ago, that I feel as though I am finally standing firmly on the ground. I feel as though I AM FINALLY the "me" that I have been searching for my whole life. I still have so much to discover about myself.... but, I think instead of running, I will take a walk the next time I want to explore....
