I Dream In Love...

I dream in love.

In a silent rage

thoughts filling the void 

and now filling the page.

        I am the type of girl that wears her heart on her sleeve. That is not only a well known fact, but it is a ridiculously obvious fact. Take a look at my blog or my Facebook page (either of them), and you can tell right away that I have no problem expressing how I feel. I have gotten over the guilt and/or the silliness that I once associated with expressing negative feelings. I used to think that it was so much better to sugar coat things, rather than to tell the world how I was really feeling. I was wrong.
         There was, however, a point in my life where I did keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I was afraid that if I voiced how I really felt about something then that would open the door for other people to voice how they felt about me. That was one of my BIGGEST fears. I was so afraid to know what/how people really felt about me. I did whatever I could to really vanish into the background and become as un-noticable as possible. I stopped putting any effort into how I looked... I am 5'10.5 and  I already felt like I stood out. I figured if I stopped putting any effort into how I looked, well, that would help me to vanish into the background. And if I vanished into the background  there wouldn't be any way for anyone to notice me. And, if they didn't notice me, then they couldn't judge me. I didn't like myself, so why would anyone else like me? If I couldn't think of positive things about myself, then how would anyone else be able to? I could see so many negative things about myself and I figured that that was all that anyone else would be able to see. I thought that it would be an easy thing to do.... to sit back and try to hide from the world. And at first it was. But I got so caught up in hiding myself from the world, that I began to forget who I was. It's a scary place to be when you look into the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back... its even scarier when you close your eyes and night and don't recognize the tune that your thoughts are dancing to. And one day. I snapped. I woke up. I stopped (for the most part) giving a damn about what people really thought about me. It is definitely a struggle to keep the negative thoughts out.... but it the more love I put out into the world, the easier it becomes to allow love in my own life.

Always Blushing
♥
Jessica Michelle