My 100th Post... Better make it a good one...

        Wow... 100 posts?!?!? I can't believe that I am at my 100th post already. It is amazing how quickly time passes. Especially when you are enjoying your life. I know. I know... How cliche' was that? But, as cliche' as it may be... it is COMPLETELY true. I feel like this year has just flown by. I think about last year, I was so unhappy and so lost for so much of it... 2009 seemed to have dragged on for SO long. It was literally the longest year of my life. Sure, it had some happy moments. But, as I look back, I think about not just what I allowed the world to see of me... but where I really was last year. I think about where my heart was. And, last year.... well, last year was a very difficult year for my heart.

         I was in a state of shock for a good part of last year. I made some amazingly life changing decisions at the end of 2008 that sent my heart and soul on a bit of a roller coaster. Don't get me wrong, they were definitely the right choices, but, I am not sure I was completely ready for the new world I was about to enter. At the end of 2008 I decided that it was time to leave my marriage. I had been married for almost 8 years. We had 2 beautiful daughters together. A beautiful home. Nice cars. Took great vacations. We were financially secure.  All the things that were supposed to be enough in life... all the things I was told should make me happy. But, not only was I not happy... I was very depressed for a very long time. I struggled for years wondering how I could be so unhappy when I had everything that I "should want" right in front of me. I didn't have an answer. All I knew was that I was extremely unhappy. For a while I thought I was doing a good job at hiding my sadness from the world around me. Finally one day I looked in the mirror, and I didn't recognize the woman starring back at me. I had gained almost 90 lbs. Well, 94 to be exact. How could I not have seen it? I couldn't believe that the reflection in the mirror was me. Granted, I had just had my second child a few months earlier. Either way, it may have been my reflection in the mirror... but that WASN'T me. It was at that moment, while I was starring at a complete stranger in the mirror, that I realized that I had been dieing inside. Not only did I need to make changes in my life, I needed to make them fast. And with that realization, my world turned completely up-side down.

       I lived in a world for so long where I felt very trapped. A world where decisions that should have been mine to make, well, they weren't made by me.  And, the moment I decided to leave that world, I thrust myself not just into a different world, but a different galaxy! I was finally able to be me, or to at least start the journey to FIND the real me. Lord knows I had no clue who the real me was. After spending years of trying to be the perfect role for other people, I was so excited to discover ME. The ME that God created me to be. The ME that I knew was buried inside of me for so long. The ME that had be fighting quietly for years to be heard and discovered. 

      Up until this point in time, that quiet voice had been fairly easy to ignore. I had become so good at telling myself that I was being "stupid" or "ridiculous" for feeling a certain way. 

       "Jessica...what are you thinking?!?! Look around you! Beautiful house...fully paid for. Cars... fully paid for. Vacations.... nice furniture... Your future is secure! What is your problem?!?!?"

         I spent almost every night arguing with myself about this. I would literally lay in my bed with tears falling from my eyes. The reason for the tears varied. Sometimes they were caused by sheer frustration with myself for feeling so empty when I had "so much" in my life. Other times they were falling because I knew that I wouldn't be able to live that life much longer, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't want to hurt my daughters. How could I deprive them of a life with their parents together. One night, shortly after the "mirror experience" I was laying in my bed. Completely torn about what to do, and it hit me. What kind of example would I be setting for my daughters if I stayed in a situation where I was completely unhappy.... a situation that wasn't healthy... a situation that I KNEW wasn't right for me. I thought to myself, "What would I tell one of my daughters to do?" And it was then that I made up my mind.

          The next day was one of the most difficult days of my life. But, at the same time, it was one of the most empowering days of my life. I knew, that with the grace of God, I could make the changes that I needed to make and I would be ok. That being said, 2009, was still a crazy year for me. I have often described it as the 

"craziest, most randomly amazingly, wonderfully scary year of my life" 

        2009 was a dream to me. I call it a dream, because, honestly, that's what it feels like to me. I know I lived it. I know I was there. I made certain choices. I made certain decisions. But, to me, it feels like I was watching it on TV.  I am not sure where or when or even how I woke up from the dream of 2009, but I thank God that I did. I am more alive than ever before. I am more focused than ever before. I can see the blessings that have been placed in my life. And, not just the obvious ones. I am learning, that my way is not always the best way. Things that I want to happen, may not always be the best option. As Garth Brooks said,"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". I am still working on this one. 

 I definitely know that there is so much truth in it. But, at the same time, it can be a little hard on the heart. 

          Despite the craziness that was last year, there were a few good things that came out of it. In one year, I have lost 87 lbs!! Um, can I take a minute and pat myself on my back?!?!!? Ummmmm, yeah! I take a look at where I was and where I am now, and I can't believe it. 

         2010 has been an amazing year so far. I have made many changes in my life. From the people that I surround myself with, to the activities that I involve myself in... so many changes in my life. I am happier than EVER. I am more in love with my daughters than EVER. I am, for the first time honestly on my way to living the EXACT life that I want to live. A life where I am ME at all times, never changing for anyone. A life where I can be completely honest not just with the people around me, but with MYSELF as well. A life where I can honestly say that I am putting ALL my faith in God and the fact that he is there and taking care of ME. This has been an amazing journey. And I am so excited, because it is only just beginning...

   

Always Blushing,

♥

Jessica