What an amazing day....

         So, it has been about a week since I last blogged... BAD Jessica! I know, I know. But, I am back and full of smiles... I think that had been my problem over the past week. Well, the lack of smiles. To be honest, last week was a VERY long week... and I spent a great deal of it with a sad and heavy heart. There were many things that helped play a role in this. No need to get into these different things. Everyone has heartache in their life... everyone has pain and sadness at one point or another. Last week was a really exhausting week for my heart. And, if you don't know me, just an fyi, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve... especially when it is about something/someone really important.
        So, after a week of struggling to rid my heart of this sadness, I woke up this morning with an amazing urge to get my butt into gear and get to church. I hadn't been to church in, well, in a lot longer than I would like to admit. I consider myself to be a spiritual person. I pray everyday.... I know how blessed I am to live the life I live... but to be honest, I have felt a very strong disconnect between God and I for, well, for about the past year. I have been struggling internally to regain this bond that I once felt... this connection that I once felt with God. So, when I woke up this morning and the first thing that popped into my head, other than thinking about how much I love hearing Melanie and Ashleigh playing in their beds, was "man, I should really go to church today", I knew that I HAD to be there.
      I am a firm believer in trusting in your heart and listening to your gut. And this morning, my heart told me that I NEEDED to be at Calvary Chapel today. And, more than you will ever know, I am so glad I did. There were so many things that I got from the sermon today. But, to be honest, I always feel more connected with God during worship and praise time.
      I dropped the girls off at Sunday school and walked into the Sanctuary alone. I found a seat. I was a few minutes late so Worship had already begun. It had been a while since I had attended Calvary, so I wasn't familiar with the songs. I got myself settled and looked up at the lyrics that were being projected on the wall

"I find my strength in the shadow of your wings"

      STRENGTH... I had been struggling for so long to find strength. Strength not just in life but strength  and courage to seek out God like I knew I should be doing. Lol, how ridiculous do I sound? Needing "strength" to seek out God. But, to be honest, I did. I have had a roller coaster of years. These past few years were filled with many highs, but more lows.... many smiles, but more tears. And, I let myself get lost in all of the emotions, rather than really dealing with them the way I should have.... by turning to God. 

    One of the biggest things that I have struggled with is being lonely. Don't get me wrong.... I have friends. And there are a few AMAZING friends in particular that I would trust my life with. But, I am talking about a different kind of lonely.  I will be the first to admit, I am the worlds BIGGEST sap... some have even accused me of being in love with being "in love". Lol, I wouldn't go that far. But, I will say, that since I was a little girl, I prayed for someone who could love me for me. Who would love my heart. Someone who would love my soul.... the person that I am on the inside.... I have waited my whole life for that. For someone to take the time to get to know me and who would not only NOT try to change me, but appreciate me for all my quirks and silliness. 

      I have prayed for years for that. And, all the while, I should have realized that all I had to do was close my eyes and I could feel the love of God. All those nights I spent crying, thinking that I was alone, he was with me. All the nights I spent longing to be loved, he was loving me. All the nights I wondered how I would be able to walk the next few miles of life, he was there, just waiting for me to let him carry me. 

      I sang those words, "I find my strength in the shadow of your wings", and I couldn't get anything else out. My eyes filled with tears. Not tears of sadness, but tears of peace and tears of belief... belief that everything really would be ok. I have been working so hard in life to make up for mistakes in my past.... to provide the best life possible for my daughters.... trying my hardest to be happy. And, sometimes in life, no matter how hard you try, you fall short. And, honestly, sometimes I get REALLY tired of falling short. But, today, I felt peace within my heart.... true peace... for the first time in a very long time. I felt like I could honestly take a deep breath and smile. Which, after a week like I had had, I definitely needed to breathe.

       The sermon began and one of the first things the Pastor said was

"When everything else fails, lean on the word of God.

Because if you have the word of God, you have everything"

And, to be honest, I tried to focus on the rest of the sermon, but these words just kept echoing in my mind. When was the last time I TRUELY turned to God. Not just when I was sad. Not just when I was afraid. But when was the last time I came to God just because.... I couldn't remember. I got so lost in my thoughts that before I knew it, the sermon was over and it was time for the closing worship. After every sermon they open the alter for people to come up and pray and be prayed for. I knew this was why I felt so compelled to show up today. 

      The congregation bowed their heads as the Pastor prayed. The lights dimmed and my heart began to beat so fast... I felt like the woman standing next to me might be able to hear it. The music started and I thought to myself, "Jessica, go. This is why you are here. Go." I hesitated. Not sure why. But I did. And at the very second I decided I wasn't going to make that walk up to the alter my eyes flooded with tears and I knew it was were I needed to be. 

        I grabbed my purse. And I walked. Alone. Up to the alter. Tears were falling. My mascara was a mess, running down my face (water-proof my butt, lol).  I got on my knees and knelt there for a minute, just being quiet before God. A woman named Michelle came up and asked if she could pray for me. I said yes. And as she began to pray, what were quite tears, turned into a flood of tears. It was like God was letting me release all my sadness, all my heartache, all my anger, all my worries... he was taking it from me. And, it was at that moment I KNEW in my heart, it would all REALLY be ok. 

       More than EVER in life I needed this. There were so many things that I had been holding on to. So many things... and at that moment I felt completely freed of them. Do I still have worries or heartache? Yes. But now.... now I KNOW in my heart and soul that God has amazing things planned for me and my heart. And I can't wait to discover the path that he has for me... 

Always Blushing,

♥

Jessica